tobacco leaves

sometimes i think about dying. mostly what it's like to come to the end of life and realize it. will i feel like my life was well lived? will i regret or will i embrace my days.

i sat and watched him. the man that i've loved my whole life but not known especially well. his skin like yellow crape paper covering a man that had the temper of a bull but a heart of gold. now more introspective he looked at me and said "maybe i've just been here too long"

i traveled all the way to kentucky to tell him a story of gratitude. of one moment in my life that still stings my heart because i knew that my grandfather loved me more than i could ever imagine. the one thing i wanted him to know before it was too late.

i moved away when i was three. i have one memory of living in kentucky, but i have so many memories of him in the summers i spent on the farm. of the way the dairy smelled, driving tractors, bee stings by the pond, macuricomb on cuts, a shared birthday and the way the tobacco leaves looked hanging in the black barn. but mostly his belly laugh. he laughed so hard when he told stories. and so many stories were in his mind, i always think about how his life seemed so much like a movie.

i left the house and went in a tail spin. 2 days later i landed at my husbands grandparents to celebrate thanksgiving but i wasn't particularly thankful in that moment. i was hurt that i had to live so far from him. i felt disconnected and bitter. my grandfather was dying and i just wanted to be with him. i wanted to be in kentucky, i wanted to ask him hard questions and not feel awkward. but caught somewhere else i just sat inside my head and hoped for another chance.

he was so sick and my heart hurt for him and what he must have thought while he sat and looked out that window. this man that was once so strong, full of opinions, quiet.

he passed away this morning and as i collect my things to start my trip i'm holding on to those memories of how much he loved me. i know that if the purpose of life is to make a difference to someone else, he lived well.

just part of the family

she's laid back, i can almost hear the thoughts that play in her mind. "okay so i'm new at this mom stuff, sure i'm overwhelmed but can handle it, it won't break me."

i've always felt that when you introduce a new person to your family, they should come alongside what you're already up to. teaching the little one along the way what you're all about rather than changing life to suddenly circulate them. it's okay to travel with an infant, or feed a toddler sushi, and not turn your home into kid extravaganza with the latest and greatest gadget. (sometimes mine just happens to be deaconland) granted i realize everyone is different and some people will completely disagree with my opinion, but lara and ben seem to take the same approach. they love her, cuddle her, tell her she's precious but books and art outweigh plastic and novelties in their home. norah is coming into a world full of opportunity. the opportunity she has is the gift of parents expecting her to grow to her potential, and will help her find what that is.

for the love of a child

i wish all kiddos were loved like he is. you can see the light in their eyes when they look at him. his quirks are endearing and always will be. of course they didn't know what he would be like when he was born, but they instantly loved him anyway and now that he's been in their world for a year they couldn't imagine another little person to fill that spot. he's it. they know him inside out and wouldn't trade any of it.

just say yes

shes young, she's beautiful, she's so much fun. i loved shooting lani because she was willing to go with it, no matter what it was. she wore my clothes, her clothes, and even sweater that belonged to brandon's grandfather that i just happened to have in my trunk. i love how these images feel so free, stylized without feeling overdone or like she was acting, because she wasn't.

american girls

it's fitting to post these baby dolls after a post about my sister. every time i'm around them i think they are my sister and me about 25 years ago. i love watching charleys wild abandon, funny faces, and laughter. i look for my sister in kaylas beauty, sincerity, and self preservation.

they are completely all-american. kind, fun, loyal, and have a beauty that surpasses good genes. unafraid to risk getting a smidge of dusty on their fur coats and play on an old country road, i love these girls.

she's better than me,

and i'm okay with that. she's so beautiful, smart, and put together. she's the type of person i could be completely jealous of, but how could i, we are cut completely different but from the same cloth. growing up i would sing and dance and she would roll her eyes. people would comment on her beauty and i would wish it were me. but at the core we've always understood that some relationships are strong because you came out of something together that nobody on the outside could really understand.

she used to be so serious growing up, making straight A's and keeping mostly to herself. now she doesn't take herself so seriously, but has a good sense of work ethic and play. i love that about her. her house is the place the kids want to go, maybe for her good cooking, hospitality, or maybe because none of the other moms are pretty like her. she's so afraid of hurting feelings that she will go out of her way, and make sure she's inconvenienced to make everyone else's load a little lighter.

i love her beyond words and now when i hear how beautiful, kind, and lovely she is i swell with pride. even writing this leaves me with a giant lump in my throat. she's above and beyond and i just wanted to share it.